Dear Abby: Trust issues are remnants of past toxic relationships
Dear Abby: Marriage is considered to be imperative in my religion and culture. I’m 29 and still not married. I have commitment and trust issues with guys. I have been in only three relationships my entire life.
Every time things are going well, I tend to self-sabotage and make excuses to push the guy away. I start arguments for no reason or create problems or issues that I fabricate out of thin air. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my past relationships were toxic and tumultuous. They were cheaters and liars.
I have carried that baggage into my relationship with my new partner by not believing a lot of the things he says. For example, I doubt his feelings for me. When things are going smoothly between us, I always take five or 10 steps back. It isn’t fair that I put him through the wringer, but I don’t know any other way. How can I get past this continuous issue?
— Problem Trusting in California
Dear Problem Trusting: The most effective way to do that would be to talk about this destructive pattern with a licensed mental health adviser. If you do, it may help you rid yourself of the “baggage” you are carrying, understand why you chose the men you did before, and make it easier to evaluate any new relationships that start to develop.
Dear Abby: I have known my friend “Matt” for more than 20 years. We’ve been close for most of those years.
Matt is gay, and early in our friendship, we had a mutual friend, “Gary,” who used a gay epithet often, even though he knew Matt is gay. It hurt Matt, but he wasn’t comfortable speaking to Gary about it, so I did. Gary not only apologized to Matt but to this day (some 18 years later), I haven’t heard Gary say that word in our company.
Recently, Matt has started using the N-word. I have told him that not only is it disgusting and offensive, but I compared it to the situation with Gary. Matt laughed it off and continues to use the word with no regard for me. I have started spending less time with him because of it because I don’t want him to think I condone his racist language. Is it time to sever ties with Matt?
— Disappointed in Maryland
Dear Disappointed: I think so. The next time Matt uses the N-word, make clear to him that if you ever hear it from him again, your friendship will be OVER. And then follow through.
Dear Abby: I feel horrible about my “first time.” It was with my boyfriend, and it happened in the back seat of his car. I had always dreamed of my first time being special, but after realizing we didn’t have many options, we decided the car was fine. Now I feel ashamed and guilty. Can you advise me?
— Not Like I Imagined in Texas
Dear Not: I will try. When did your first time happen? Last weekend? Last month? Last year? Whenever it was, it is in the past. Experience teaches us what works for us and what doesn’t. Learn from it, but don’t preoccupy yourself with regret over something you can’t change.
Dear Abby: I have been married to my husband for 38 years. Our two children are adults now. Our older son has had the same girlfriend for 11 years, but my in-laws still won’t accept her because they aren’t married, so they don’t include her in some family functions. How can I let them know in a nice way that she is family to me? Even my husband doesn’t regard her as family.
I understand some people are that way, but I was raised by a mother who saw all of our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends as family, even after some were divorced. I feel like skipping these family functions if my children and their girlfriends aren’t included. What can I do?
— Inclusive in Oklahoma
Dear Inclusive: Your in-laws have a right to their opinions, and so do you. Listen to your heart. If it’s telling you that you would rather spend those times with your children and their girlfriends, go ahead and do it. I am assuming that the son who is involved in the long-term relationship would not be leaving his girlfriend home alone when these gatherings are held, because if that’s the case after 11 years, she should dump him.
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